whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
