Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
