Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
now i know why i became what i already was.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
