his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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