3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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