i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
