There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
