I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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