I accidentally had phone sex last night
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
