he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
