last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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