I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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