do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
