I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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