Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
