I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
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