i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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