my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
