Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
