Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
