Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
