Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
