i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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