perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
