We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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