My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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