i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
