I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize