I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize
