so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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