Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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