On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
