Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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