I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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