Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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