My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I have aggressive nipples.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
