I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
