After last night, I could never be a politician.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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