I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
