My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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