I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
