This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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