I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
