I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
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