Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
