Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
