EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
