Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
