yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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