god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
