Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
