Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
