tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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