you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
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