I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
