At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
