i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
