my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I could make wine with my vomit
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
