the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
