ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
