remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
