My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
