I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Vodka?
Forever.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
