First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
