Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
