He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
