im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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