The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Randomize