Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
