Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
