they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
